God has blessed me with so much lately...yes, he's blessed me with good things...but I think when people mention blessings, they only refer to the good stuff...I think blessings aren't always the goody goody things that make you happy and fortunate...I'm talking about trials, hardships, transgressions....I've been looking at a lot of xanga entries and people just talk about..."God has been so good to me cause He's given me an A on a test, helped me to meet new people and love them, provided me with this and that"  But I think it should be beyond that...we should also look at how we fail, how we hurt, how we become damaged and exposed to our vulnerable side...

I think by doing this, we learn so much more...that we're too weak with out Him, that we are nothing without His love and strength, how it teaches us to be obedient to God and that obeying helps us to honor Him and respect Him...I think we as sinners tend to avoid this as blessings because we're looking for something to satisfy us...we're looking for an easier and more fun route in our lives...trying to find a way to feel good about ourselves and appreciating only the things that make us proud, respected, and happy when we should be lifting all that to Him...

so I am blessed that God has given me trasngressions, lessons that I am to learn in this meaningless life...that I need to be more thankful beyond things that make me feel good and safe...that my weaknesses are my strenths...to think this way, I feel I can become more mature than I have ever been...2 Corinthinas 12:9-10.....*FAVORITE VERSE*

Friday was crazy...it was jam packed with things to do...but everything went ok.  i was still in one piece by the time things were over.  but the best part of it all was that i got to eat my chicken mcnuggets...mmm mmm...for some reason, i was cravin for some mcd's cluck cluck morsels of delight...cravin it all day and i finally had the chance to eat them...mmm...if William Shakespeare were in my shoes and ate those, Romeo and Juliet probably wouldn't have ended in a tragedy...oh my i can just taste them now....

and its so hard to type with this cursed finger that's been injured...i got it from snapping my fingers so hard at an a cappella concert...everything was going so well untill i felt a burning sensation on my middle finger...but i kept going...in the end i looked at it could see a huge piece of flesh hanging off my hand...still hurts...oww

all my life, i've been with the army...my father is a staff-sergeant and has been in the  service for 25 years...i've grown up in a family where I was disciplined in a strict manner as I was taught to be courteous and honorable to others no matter what race, color, age, gener or nationality you were...in high school and beginning years of college I was taught to be a leader...a leader that would know the responsibilites that he has over his men as well as himself and apply discipline, attention to detail, loyalty, honor and courtesy...But I always felt I was just put on the spot.  it was as if everyone's eyes were gazing upon me, expecting to do something...and to be honest, i don't think i was that good...

i've learned that when you're being a leader, you need to have order, you need to have discipline, and you need to be stern and bold to those you are commanding...of course providing the respect, honor and dignity to your cadets in return...but for me, i was never good at that....i'm talking about being stern and bold and rough with my cadets...when i was leading 40 students in high school, i was called the wimpiest commander...i was to lenient to my cadets....being generous to their demands and requests...i could never punish or give disciplinary action to them....it just wasn't my style...i guess its cause all my life i've been treated that way with my family and didn't want any more of it in my life...

and i guess its that reason that i seem to have trouble being a leader today...maybe i'm crazy but i feel that i'm not being a good leader....maybe i think that i'm being nice and friendly to my friends but actually i'm very mean and they're just not telling me things...i dont 'know....maybe that's why i don't have any real friends...maybe i'm not cut out being a leader

thinking about this, i look at it and realize whether this will effect my future...will i be able to a good job at my occupation?  will i be able to serve my God properly and earnestly?  will i be able to be a good father?

i'm always trying to look at both sides of the story...but certain situations don't seem to make sense and one side is really the only way...how do i determine that?  where is the line drawn?  am i making the right decisions?  am I following God's will? 

Things have been hard, so difficult...I do the best that I can...I try to do what's right for God...but why does it hurt?   Why do I feel dissapointed?  Am I losing it?  Am I not doing the right thing?  I try so hard....so hard....I try to learn from my mistakes....I know its God's way of discipline and what a blessing it is....and I try not to let it happen again...but it does...its like I can't avoid it...keeps coming back...what do i do?  Am I a bad person?  Am I doing everything wrong?  Have I been doing everything wrong?

*sigh* so many questions...God, I just want to do your deeds...take mine away...I want to understand...so that I can be clear and do what's right for You...

yea, this is random...but a friend thought that I should write it down so that it'll help me....thanks man!

my small group rocks...we're so open...we're so tight...i don't think we hide anything ba ck...i'm really excited about our group and what God's gonna do...

as i was coming home, i got a call from.....no, not anyone from penn state (i'm not that popular), no, not a friend, not even from my parents...i had no idea who's number it was...but when i picked it up, get this....it was my 7 year old cousin Jessica...you should have seen me...i stopped dead in my tracks and stood there in the middle of the road with my mouth open wide...luckily no car was around...*sigh* i'm definitely not a  person that gets many calls from anyone (not cool enough) but I think i'd rather get a single call from my little cousin than 100 calls from anywhere else......she said the cutest things like she was playing dolls with her sister rachel (3 years old) and told me to hurry home so that i can play the roll of the waiter...haha...and when she told me that at the dinner table she sits in my chair that i used to sit in instead of hers....*sigh* then i heard rachel crying and told their mom that Jessica was hogging the phone and she wouldn't let her talk to me....*sigh* i asked them how much they missed me and they were like..."i can only count up to 100 ohpa but i think its more than that"

yup, believe me that i've never gotten this kind of attention from any girl till now....thank God for my cuzzies!

retreat...*sigh* its gonna be a tough weekend...apart from being too exhausted from the week, i'm sick...i hope i'll be able to come back in one piece...but God is good and He'll pull me through!